Everyone has their own story of realising their identity. It takes a long time. It grows slowly. It builds and builds and builds until all at once, it just appears, and everything seems to click into place. All that history, all those weird moments. . . It all makes sense now!
This is my story. I should write a history of how I came to be agender, and well, ergo trans. I have never really told anyone per se about my entire identity. Everyone’s journey is different. You may see this story as completely alien. You may see yourself in it. But most importantly, someone will consider that what they see here will speak to them. That someone reading this journey will see elements of their own in it.
I think I had always known that I was not like the other boys in primary school. I tried so ridiculously hard to fit in. Why didn’t I like football? Why didn’t I like doing roughhousing and all those things? Why was I so... Different? I thought that maybe there was something a little bit wrong, but I also could not explain it. I kept it deep in my mind. I was only seven after all. All I wanted to do was to fit in. I knew that being different was bad and I should do my best to not be different. Unfortunately, that would define me until university.
Then I went to secondary school. An all-boys secondary. Lol. It was an alright experience, but it made my alienation just a little bit more palatable. In around Year 9 (when I was ~14, 2009), my peers started coming out as gay or bisexual. Maybe that was what was wrong with me? That’s it… I must be gay! It just made sense! So, I went on a date with a guy a few times. But whenever he tried to kiss me, I rejected it. It felt weird. I did not like it. So… I broke it off.
I remember we went to a really crappy restaurant on Broad St. It was one of those places where the paint was peeling and the floor had not been clean since the 1980s, despite the building only being from the 00s. I remember sitting opposite him and saying to him, "hey. Look. It's not going to work out. I don't think I'm gay". But he was not upset. He seemed to smile, like I had told him something obvious. He knew that I was not gay.
That made me one of only a few boys in the world who confirmed their heterosexuality. Hahaha. No fucking way. But even though that confirmed I was into women, it did not shake the nagging feeling in my mind. Now I am in sixth-form – the final two years of schooling (so 16-18, 2011-13). I realise something… I do not feel like a boy in the traditional sense. I tried all sorts of labels. Metrosexual (remember that?) was one. That did not quite fit either. I did not really know what I was. I knew I just was not like the other boys. I was a boy in form, but not in spirit.
I did have a few girlfriends during sixth-form and heading into university. I remember asking them if they would still love me if I was a girl. In my mind, it was like this: I was not a boy… So maybe I am a girl? Girl, being opposite of boy, right? I never fully bought into the idea of being a girl though. Maybe, I thought to myself, I was just a feminine boy, but I never went into being a girl. It did not feel right to be a girl. It felt like I would be putting on a different layer rather than finding something that really was me.
But university (2013-2017)… That is when I really came into my own. I found friends, myself, identity, and people who loved me. After having such a rough time at school, where I felt like an outsider, finding people who sincerely appreciated me was something I still never take for granted. It gave me a new perspective — It did not matter what I was, if I was with who loved me for who I was. People genuinely liked me. I felt like a real person, even I did not know what that person was. And I was able to explore myself more. I discussed what I felt with my closest friends, and after looking online… I think I found a term that fit me – “genderqueer”.
But I was still holding onto this idea that I was a “boy”. So when asked, I would just say “I am a boy-asterisk”. I even remember at my university Pride Day saying such to someone at a stall. Implying that yeah, I was a boy, but also kind of not. And that was it. That was the new status quo… But I still did not think it was quite right. Perhaps maybe I was gender neutral. Perhaps… It was something else.
But then on 16/06/2020 at 17.14 BST, Jessica knew what I could not articulate. She unintentionally used the word "agender" to describe me.
And then I mulled on it. Jessica did not realise it, but by making that assumption, she changed my entire self-perspective. I felt… Different. Like I had finally reached the goal. And she was right. I was agender. This is the term I use. So, on 29/06/2020, almost the end of Pride Month I wrote a post on Facebook. I told my friends (but not my family or relatives… Still have not) what I was, and they should use they/them pronouns. Everyone was accepting and appreciative.
And for a few friends, it felt like a long time coming that I was able to articulate it. One friend said that she always knew that I was not quite all boy. To some, it just made sense that a person as anomalous as me would also have an identity just as anomalous. My friend Chester said, “whatever you are, your gender is just ‘danklord’…”. Since then, my little brother has known and supports me. The circle of people who understand me sincerely grows and grows and I feel way more comfortable about it.
But to be honest ... I am pretty gay. Secondary school me knew that I was, just not in what direction. Good on ya.
So that is it. I went from boy > boy-ish > not-boy > not-anything.